10082011

I was trying to recall why 10th meant something to me. And it kinda hit me that it's been 3 years already hahahahahaha.

3 years ago, I wanted to do something for myself; not just to support children with cancer, but to feel more of what you've felt. There's nothing I could do to feel the pain that you've been put through, I knew going bald was the closest that I could do to feel the aesthetic loss you did.

I remembered tearing before I went up to stage and crying very badly when the guy was shaving my ponytail off. I remembered feeling the unbearable coldness on my head when the aircon blows. I remembered enjoying shampooing my hair wasn't a chore and how I loved touching my botak head while studying. I remember strangers' judgements when I walked into a mrt cabin or the girls' toilet. I remembered how hurt I was with a stranger's insensitive remark, then I reminded myself "hey, you did this with a choice, something that the children couldn't. You should be thankful that you don't even have to bear the physical pain that they don't even deserve." I remembered friends mocking me as being a nun. I remembered people coming up to me saying that they respect me and stuff and left a mark as the bald freshie/asco girl which didn't really matter to me because that wasn't what I aimed for. I remembered how mum supported my decision and cried in secret after seeing my bald head.

I remembered all the little things.

And tonight in this foreign land, I miss you the most.