Numb

You could say that I feel the most out of my peers - I can cry over almost anything - a comedy, a cartoon movie, 5 seconds into a wedding video, hearing "Fix You" live, or have tears of joy filling my face at an acquaintance's wedding as if the couple was a pair of my closest friends. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them and I'm just easily moved.

Yeah I could cry over anything except my own feelings. I don't exactly know how to say it.. I just find it hard to express/come to terms with my own emotions as I grow older. Like, when I miss dad or I just got upset over things - I can't cry it out no matter how hard I try, unless these feelings hit me out of the blue which they hardly do. So I'll just let them pass usually.

Tonight I sat by my bed and had one of the longest conversation with someone that mattered. With him doing most of the talking because I didn't want to bear the consequences of saying things that I don't mean/take back. I guess my heart got broken because I can't stop crying.

Now I'm drained and ready for bed. Maybe that's not a bad thing since I can finally call it an early night.

Disconsolate

The last time I missed work 3 days in a row was when I got hospitalised in December 2016. Who would have know 4 months later here I am again. Caught a really bad cough over the phase of last week. Immune system was at the lowest point thanks to menses and now I'm having problems recovering from it. Wanted to check myself into the hospital last night when the cough got real bad. The moment my head hit the pillow, I'd bounce up within seconds to cough real hard. The cough has caused abdominal pains.. It's like someone's stabbing into the bottom right stomach whenever I let a cough out. Ugh.

Was fixing the new laptop (woohoo touchbar!!!!!) and loading all the sites that I usually go to - yeah mainly social media - lest I forgot the login details. Almost couldn't get in here as it was on an old Gmail account, was lost when the only option was "Create new blog" when I got into Blogger.

Scrolling through Facebook for a decent wallpaper and realised everything has been backdated. Why am I even surprised - been too lazy for anything as usual. Idk if it's an attribute of adulting, I can barely keep up with people. All I ever want is just a proper dinner date with friend(s), catch up, and go home. The social media phase of me has completely disappeared. I would love to capture moments, but I've grown out of that.. I can't even remember who was the last person (other than Daryl) that I hung out with, that's how bad my memory is.

Ah, what updates can I bring to this space: -

• One full year into adulting!!!!!! Still not a fan, take me back to studying ANYTIME. 
• Two years anniversary with Daryl!!!! Thank you for being my better half, always. Sneaky boy got a bouquet of baby breaths (YAS MY FAVOURITEEEEEE) to the office which was superrrrr sweet, definitely caught off guard by his sweet gesture. It's funny how the post of our first anniversary is just 2-3 posts away lol.
• Caught Coldplay live in Singapore 2 weekends back, it was phenomenal! Could've been better if we were watching them overseas oh well but they were SOOOOOOOO SOOOOOOOO SO GOOD T_T Was feeling all emotional when I heard Fix You live, it was surreal. 
• Getting a new laptop after using the previous one for 5 years hahah. You've served me well 13" retina display, now go serve the sister~ Also, am really broke thanks to this new gadget. PAY DAY PLEASE COME SOON I BEG UUUUUU.

Feels lousy bumming around but the doctor got me covered and that I should get plenty of rest otherwise I won't be able to recover from this virus. Thank goodness that Boss was really nice about it - telling me everything's under control and not to worry about work. She also asked me to catch up with my favourite tv shows wtf she was being real sweet.

I'm just chilling out on my bed and spotify is playing random contemporary christian music - soothing enough, not too noisy, just the way I like it.

Back to chilling, till next time when I bother to come up and say hi! XO

Irrelevant

"R u ever so fucking mad u lowkey sad and everything hits u at the same time and u just like wyd bruh u were happy 2 minutes ago lmfao" - this tweet....... M

I don't even know what to make out of these feelings. 

It's been a good six-going-on-seven months since I've been home for good. But I still miss Aussie on most days. Not for the people though, well other than Rachel - mainly because I've packed the best one back home with me. For the sights and sound, and the carefree life I've got back there. The core worries were just how to get to my 8am lectures and survive through them, if I've got enough snacks to last me through the nights in the library, and how to pass my darned exams. I know it's time to accept reality and face each day with some level of perseverance, but these unnecessary feelings still hit me in the face from day to day. What if I were able to continue my stay in Australia back then? Would things be different? 

Now I just can't wait for Joyce to get home and the Aussie trip in October.  

Hopeful

I sincerely hope that my future self would thank the current me for making such a crazy decision.Oh well time to PIAH.

Torn

Between staying on and moving home.

Eject

The short 10-days of my return is almost gone in the blink of an eye. 

I've never had such an enjoyable break, not since the poly days. There were minimal/no worries with regards to school commitments or work. At the same time, I get to travel and spend time with the better half of me. 

Perhaps it's a warning to the start of a crazy semester, my anxiety is attempting to choke me again. I was almost half-asleep before heading out for supper with Sherms. But now it's almost 7 in the morning, while being mentally drained, I still can't get to bed. 

It drives me crazy. 

In other news, I think it's time to stay off social media for awhile; mainly Instagram. 

I hope I'll get to sleep soon. 

Germinate

"If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

Is that really so? One of the recent ask.fm question of the day was asking something along the line of planner vs spontaneity which I didn't answer but come to think of it, I am quite spontaneous.

I guess I prefer living in the moment.

.......or perhaps I'm too lazy to even be a planner.

One thing I can be sure of is that I enjoy the adrenaline rush of spontaneity. Although being caught in a last minute thingum can be quite a tricky situation.

Tonight, I'm glad I made the plan of heading out to meet an old friend. We sat on the bed/chair and caught up for close to 4 hours. The last time we sat down to talk was probably on graduation day in a random café with a bunch of random girls that we've met from different paths, and it still amazes me how these connections intertwined independently.

Catching up and offering each other different perspectives on life and such. Ah I do enjoy the little moments like this.

"What's meant to be will find its ways."

Marching

I know it's already May and I'm only doing a March post now.... #foreverlate 

Just got down to posting the April pictures on fb also but oh well............

Well March was really a great one, turning 21 and settling back to the second semester of Uni. 

Caught Vance Joy live and having my birthday dinner with Daryl (yay first date)

FMFxBNE2015 with the party crew

21st birthday dinner that was supposed to be with the girls but the boys surprised me as well!

Birthday dinner @ New Shanghai with the girls 

Brunch at Shouk Cafe with the housem8s

Random day trip down to Gold Coast to Movie World

When Joy's parents popped by and visited my place

Yvette stopping over in Brissy; caught Fifty Shades of Grey

Paktor

Student Welcome Reception for Singaporeans in Bris!

Daryl's birthday surprise

Back to Shouk Cafe for Daryl's birthday brunch.... which earned us a $200+ speeding fine HAHA

Haven't been out lately because I'm drowning all over in Uni again. Hell week just passed with mid sem exam and back-to-back presentations... But I have one more presentation to go tomorrow, an online test on Wednesday and 2 reports due next week. WHAAAAT AAAAA SUCCCCCKY LIFE >:( also known as Uni life. 

Back to studying..... 

Infinite

Things escalated really fast, and we are here together now. I'm still quite taken aback by how it all progressed, but I'm glad I have you here with me right now. I guess good things come to those who wait after all? Heh. 

I don't know what you've done to break these walls, and I've never been more comfortable around anybody else. 

Thank you for everything that you've done for me; from putting up with me when I'm being a difficult problem child when I'm having my bloody period (lol miso punny!!!!!!), to pulling me outta bed when I feel like skipping uni, to trying to shape me into a better person by curbing my vulgarities hahaha, to putting my needs before yours. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. 

I love you old man D.C.

Blessed

Every second here makes my heart beat faster

Finally think I found what I've been chasing after